So I hit a wall the other day.
An emotional, hard, brick wall…
I’ve been reading a lot of books recently, cheap way to occupy time really, but when I was reading “Eat, Pray, Love Made Me Do It” the other day, I fell apart. Found myself crying and really feeling emotions I haven’t felt in a few months.
Maybe because for so long I wasn’t honest with myself. I actually do like being divorced.
Yes, I said it, I like being divorced.
Now my divorce really isn’t final in any sense of the word, we technically are still married. My ex has gone on with his life pretty well, leaving me out in the cold. He’s been living with with his girlfriend for over a year and they just had a baby. Really in so many ways my life feels like it’s the twisted script of some movie, and I was waiting to find out if there really was a happy ending in it for me. I didn’t realize it, but there is. Hence the wall. It all just finally, clicked. I’m doing things and planning things that I always wanted to do but could never do them because I was married. He was holding me back. I wanted to travel, he convienently became scared of flying. So I’m doing what I love, and it’s making me happy. I get the odd message or phone call even to this day saying he’s got his own problems and that he’s sorry. He wishes things were different and he misses me, he misses our home. I know he hasn’t found his happily ever after, I’m not sure if he really ever will because of what he did to us. Yes there are times where I miss the companionship of a relationship. I still feel stress of a job, struggling to pay my bills, I’ve got nobody’s shoulder to cry on. But if I’m honest, I’ve never had to deal with these issues on my own either. I’ve always had my parents or my husband. There was no in-between period for me because of the religion I was raised in.
A therapist once told me I suffered from a delayed adolescence. I totally agree. In lots of ways I think that’s one of the biggest reasons I wasn’t ready to have kids. I was still trying to find out who I was, finding myself outside of a religion who for so long made me a stereotype. I was going to grow up, listen to my husband who was the head of the house and have children. Once we left, there was a big new world and I wanted to find my place in it.
I’ll probably never have children, and that’s okay. I gave everything I had into a relationship of 10 years and really got nothing out of it. I just lost myself. Maybe it was never the universe’s plan for me to have kids, maybe I was just meant to try to live my own life peacefully. I guess time will tell. My ex tells me I’ll meet someone and have a family of my own, but I know he’s wrong. I have trust issues, I see the number of broken families out there and I certainly don’t want the type of relationship he has right now. Will I ever get married again? Probably not. I honestly don’t see the value in it. Maybe that’s me talking from a guarded perspective, but right now it’s my truth.
A saying that hit me hard was “finding your true north”. Something that I had never done. The last few months since my trip to Bali and Thailand, I’ve been celebrating me. Working on me. The tattoo that I got in Thailand was a symbol of that and so much more, so why stop? My next trip I’ve decided is to Everest Base Camp. Yes, trekking to Everest Base Camp. Not some beach vacation.. Noooo! A sweaty, back and feet breaking, probably life altering vacation. I guess that’s just who I am.
And I have to say, I’m pretty damn proud of who I’ve become.